walking dead survival test.

So "The Walking Dead" is my latest addiction-which I mostly watch streaming online being that I have no television or cable- and AMC has a survival test on their website.

These are my results.

These are Daniel's.

facebook can be funny too.

end fantasy.

wrapping his arms around her, they laid together. this had taken longer than expected or shorter than planned- when she had initially removed her shoes to dig her feet into the soft grass she chose a spot with an in between. this lasted for a brief occasion and he outstretched his arm and offered her head a place to rest. the chills from the grass grew stronger as the morning continued to approach dawn. it was still dark at this moment except for the moon which seemed to zig zag from their view on earth. the quiet held their whispers amongst the sounds of crickets. and the next morning- still frames flashed through her memory- she cannot recall how he smelled or if there was stubble on his face, only how she felt in his arms. she was laughing- she was cold but comfortable enough to sleep there with him. but of course, she wouldn't allow herself to fall asleep. they both knew when it was time to part because neither one could bear the the sight of sunrise or the headache. a few attempts of prolonging the fantasy or increasing adrenaline were made which both ultimately accepted a responsible and agreeable failure.

scratching out the reality, beneath these memories, she inscribes a caption: these moments do not show themselves often in a life- unplanned encounters. nobody expecting change or manners- neither expecting a pleasant time, but somehow it wiggles it's way into the evening-greatly cherished and eventually, missed.

she allows them to burn in her brain for a few days and lets the ashes fall.

a place in the trees.

why are we never on the same page?

it's such a waste of trees when you think-

a burst of ink (once in awhile), while the other's leaving indents of a letter.

is it considered written if the empty pen is pushed to the paper?

or are they fraudulent thoughts, even when too much ink is applied-

leaving behind some messy blob of longing.

just once- i would like to use the same pen in a consistent manner.

bitter sweet tuesday

i know nobody really reads this and i need this to leave me- so it's getting written down. it started off waking up from a nightmare. I've been having them for the past week, whenever i fall asleep (including naps). I fell asleep in yoga twice today and i caught myself falling into a vivid dream each time. yoga was part of the sweet bit in my day.

i've just been wanting to either move to the next level or figure out a balance in my relationship. i can't seem to find it and after not speaking to daniel for a day- i really missed him. so i sent him a text and it didn't seem to yield the same response which not only gave me terrible anxiety but you could see the shine in the bits of my ego on the floor reflecting off the lights of the bar i was drinking heavily at. who wouldn't get angry? if you built a wall your entire life to avoid this one feeling of heartbreak and self sabotage your relationships, and sometimes yourself- you may not have the "right" to be angry when you finally speak naked and honest only to be handed a foundation to build your wall up again- but it is definitely a frustrating situation. especially when you never asked to be taken out, have a private screening of your favorite movie, or completely and utterly swept off your feet but someone you can actually consider a best friend and a lover. you never ask because things that you can't handle might happen and you aren't a relationship person. suddenly, you see this amazing person is and they are trying to make it work and they trust you completely so you think "alright, this might be okay." and it kills you every time you do something out of your instincts (hold your tongue, cook dinner for them, wait up for them, miss them because they're the only one you want to be with) but you do it anyway.

it's probably my fault that it all seems so easy to do these normal things in a relationship. taking the other person's feelings into consideration- but it isn't for me. finding someone who understands that, well, that may be impossible. which is why i'd rather avoid this feeling all together. i'm not good at this.

what i am good at- that's the sweet part today. my episode of Rescue Me aired tonight on FX- 41 minutes in, right hand side...I haven't felt a rush like that since I can't even remember.

and I nailed an interview...but I still feel like something's missing. I thought that might mean I was really in love, which is what I have been struggling with. If I really loved this person or not- and I was so excited to find that I did, but I guess it just came too late. It's going to be really embarrassing when I tell my parents who keep asking about him. And it basically kills me that I look like a parasite. This is why I keep to myself. (and my entire life which I apparently blog about on the internet.)

Anyway, this is about you Colleen- since you're the only one who reads this. JUST KIDDING. I hate you so much.

I wish I could cry right now. but I won't let myself.

a little girl.

yesterday at a meeting with members of a bridal party (which i am apart of), i played with a little girl rather than fully paid attention. i was initially immersed in the conversation of party buses, overnight stays, naked men dance parties with an overwhelming feeling of frustration. I haven't been having the best two days (personally- professionally, they have been above and beyond) and listening to pricey options and desires with money I don't currently have (I emptied out my savings account on a vacation like a lunatic) made me want to scream some inappropriate things until i felt a poke from a little hand on my shoulder.

"hi. are you ticklish?" icebreakers are always quick with anyone below the age of 5. Something I've also found to be true with these small curious individuals is they know within the first few seconds of seeing you whether they like you or they don't. Usually, I am on the don't side. I work better with children out of the toddler years- who flock towards older people they think are "cool" rather than 5 and below who tend to appreciate someone who reminds them of mommy.

she decided that she liked me, and i let her use my drawing phone app-showed her pictures that daniel had drawn and attempted to teach her to draw a heart (an arrow pointing towards you and two equal size small rainbows on top) Apparently, my purse, car keys and ipod were now hers. Usually, when someone tries to take my possessions (regardless of age) I am annoyed, but for some reason I was incredibly calm. I think I was still in shock that she liked me, as she leaned against me and grabbed my hand.

Noticing my nail polish, she placed her miniature hand in mine and said "paint my nails." I told her I didn't have any nail polish, and she grabbed mine and mimicked the motions of nail painting. "Oh, she wanted to pretend- you stupid idiot."

At this point everyone stood up to go to the computer and look at photos of the stripping men at different venues. Her mother picked her up and moved over with them. I felt another poke on my shoulder and when I looked over, she was leaning forward towards me with her arms spread wide. She wanted me to hold her. So I did. And I started to think about what it would be like to have a daughter- all the things my friends who have them tell me. "I want to teach her the things I never learned with someone by my side."

It made me a little sad-because I'm not sure I'll ever have a daughter.

thought.

the hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

i am moving back to new york sometime next week. or whenever daniel makes the key for me.

sucking it up.

i have never before attended a play that i was called back for & didn't get. it happened to me a lot during Penn State when I tried out for main-stage productions. There wasn't one time I didn't get a callback (well, except 'Parade' which I went to see and LOVED) but I never got the part either. That's the way the cookie crumbles, but going to see one of the productions would be like (to put it in high school girl terms) watching the boy you like make out with another girl. and i've thought that this might be silly, missing brilliant performances by my friends because of my desire to not fall into that terrible feeling, a feeling that my life path is not in step with the current placement of my feet- i think because sometimes it doesn't take much for that feeling to manifest in myself. if it's at the right time, i'm sure i could suck it up and handle it- let go of myself for awhile. but if it isn't- it could slow me down quite a bit. so i suppose that's why i've never taken the risk.

danny invited me to audition for the play he's putting up & i was reluctant because of this very feeling that i loathe. but i auditioned, was called back & didn't get it. i mean i'm sure the other girl did a better job, she had a very articulate voice, training, and was currently in a play with the other gentleman chosen. i assume that they have a good chemistry & the director was currently directing them, so she knew what they were capable of. these are things i tell myself to make sense of it because i'm going to have to see it- because daniel is in it. i pondered whether or not to go or to bring it up to daniel, but in the end- it's not his problem, it's mine. do i care about him? very much. do you support the ones you love? absolutely.

then i played a scene in my head that helped me make peace with what i had to do. if i was in daniel's large black striped adidas tennis shoes and he was in my flip flops- would he come to see me? no doubt about it.

no you don't.

if you feel dizzy & have a headache when you wake up in the morning- don't go back to sleep.

i did- not feeling so well in other aspects of life- and had a terrible nightmare. not that nightmare's are something to be scared of because they aren't real- and i usually realize that halfway through the dream that it's just some scene my head made up to make me feel good or ,in this case, rotten. for some reason, the line between fantasy & reality have been extremely blurred for me lately which (like a dream) can be a blessing sometime. i would stick to reality if i could- but i guess there isn't as much hope hidden in reality. that's too depressing to think about and i'm about to lose my way into too many tangents leading to questions i can never answer.

wow, this nightmare made me feel terrible i don't even want to write it down. it ends like this- daniel is with someone else who has insulted me (though i have tried very hard to be nice too- this time) and he's not on my side. and as i walk away, he's laughing at me & making mean jokes about me. and i start to cry. it's hard to separate the two when you're crying in the dream and you wake up with wet eyes.

i wonder how long until my mind completely gives out.

fallen ice cream.

how long before a new friend becomes an old friend? it's been a year, and i don't even feel like we're friends. more like enemies who admire each other's features and occasionally agree. strangers who desperately try not to bump into each other by stepping on each other's feet. we used to play with our feet before-when we were real strangers-in the spring when ice cream trucks parked along the halal carts. but if im craving ice cream now, you would have to drop yours on the floor before offering some to me. and that's okay, i don't think i want it anyway. not like this.

words.

despite my apathy towards notes- i always listen to the words. try not to speak words that you don't believe. i've heard people say "fake it" until it means something to you, but i never took such advice. it might work for others- but not for me and i don't take kindly when that "technique" is used with me. how can i ever believe another word you say. i've learned through all the habitual usage & misplacement of this verb, that perhaps i don't believe in it either. thus i do not care to attempt to find it, or continue to wear it's mask in the presence of other's true faces. i would rather be alone to find it in myself because it's much too heavy on my expectations & they have been crushed. i apologize for anything i've written that has not be true for you, of course you've been kind enough to correct my blind errors. i had been edging closer to reality and glancing at it from the corner of my eye, it's time to turn my head and introduce myself. you do not have to understand, you do not have to do anything because everything i wished you had is lying in that rubble. the fault is only mine for speaking words that i don't believe in.

cancel out.

a rapist, coke head & spoiled brat walk onto a stage- each donate someone else's money to finding a cure for cancer- everyone applauds. 

this inspires the bully to donate too- but he doesn't donate himself.

they all meet up at the bar & brag. 

hope.

engulfed in fire, a bird flew beyond her thoughts
and for a second, felt that it was okay to be free. 

she stumbled along her memories 
until she found her way into her dreams 
and reached a river filled with
places she hadn't quite yet been

she impulsively stepped in and began her shallow wade-
each vision vanishing as her hand 
shattered the water.

instead of giving up
she gave her body to the water, 
her hands&feet sunk in 
but her heart remained afloat

closing her eyes,
she felt a soft feather fall 
right upon her cheek

she picked it up & blew it off her hand
as she glided over the crisp images.

waves of pain.

     
   

the day i met daniel was sometime in february or march of last year. i was taking classes at NYFA & i had been partnered up with greg to do a scene. in this particular scene, i was supposed to be a drunken woman hitting on the young greg. in order to make this believable- i need wine glasses of course! our teacher told me to go ask "danny" for some prop glasses. 

"who is danny?"

i walked to the equipment room yelling "danny!" 

a tall, skinny messy haired boy responded mid run. "are you danny?!" 

someone else was yelling something to him & he put his stupid finger up to me to hold on.

"are you danny?!"

"yeah...just..."

i immediately hated him. who the hell was this kid? he was clearly a boy & i needed something, class had already started. so when danny had time, we went downstairs to the prop room which smelled funny and was way unorganized- i mentioned this and danny was insulted because apparently he had just organized everything. i got my glasses and went off to class.

that was the day i met daniel. the days that followed- my hatred turned into curiosity when i noticed that his face was kind of looking handsome to me. he mentioned he liked motorcycles in a conversation to greg. "hah, you like motorcycles?" he nodded his head. i smiled. then i saw "fire" and "water" tattooed on his forearms. that's when i put on full weirdo mode and started talking to danny. i'm a firm believer that your body tells you what you need when you need it.  i was completely, surprisingly, unwillingly attracted to him. 

i watched daniel get a tattoo today. paul, our tattoo artist, was kind enough to let me take pictures. i watched him go through the waves of pain when paul inserted the color ink under his skin. he bit his lips & made silly faces & counted under his breath. i don't think i've seen him in pain before. and i was completely, surprisingly and willingly attracted to him.

 

 

 

                                            

i used to write all the time.

i just went through my posts from the last year. i haven't written a regular old post in awhile. ever since i started dating daniel. probably because i started falling for daniel before i was even allowed to, so blogging about it wouldn't be appropriate. 

i haven't been feeling awesome for the past..well, awhile and maybe it's because i haven't been writing. i mean i've been writing poetry- but i guess i need some nonsensical scribbles to keep me going.  

lets start with today- i did nothing. basically. i still work at ehs in manhattan & i have a job at victoria's secret. today was as joanna gleason would put it "just a day." 

i went to this workshop with her once and a student asked "how do you take the days where you feel like giving up?" 

she asked him a series of questions: "did you eat breakfast?" yes. "did you eat lunch?" yes. "did you eat dinner?" yes, eventually. "did someone say your name?" well, i assume when they called me into the audition, yes. "did someone touch you? or hug you?" i saw my friend at the audition and gave her a hug.

"well, my friend, then you had quite a day."

i think the security guard said my name, he accidentally called me emily at first.

and cheryl, the other security guard said my name outside, "melissa's the only one in love."

danny kissed me goodbye this morning. 

sigh. i want more day.

writers block.

the words flew around the page- grown only from fantasies past-
but could not be pinned to the love poem.

expectations of the same from some other
never came

because the words were really never there
& if one tries to grasp the empty air 

the only sensation granted is their opposite palm.

past thoughts & current revelations.

don't lie & say this isn't true-
you were always one to ride on the coat tails of honesty.
you always trampled over everything i wanted to become;
i know you knew it.

so one day, i stole your fucking shoes.

& by the way- honesty doesn't wear a coat that was hypocrisy.

delirious.

uoy ekam em leef ytterp nehw ouy dloh ym dnah dna emityreve er'uoy raen i peels a elttil reisae.

i teb uoy dlouc daer siht rekciuq naht enoyna esle. 

eht thgouht fo uoy selttes ym hcamots. 

isn't that strange? 

you used to make it bubble- but that was only because i wasn't sure what i was holding on to.

i guess i'm still not sure but i'm willing to let go with you. 

because even if you don't catch me- you'd still offer to help me up or clean the dirt off. and when i don't take your offers, you let me stand up by myself (i guess you always know i'm going to do it anyways) 

but im not quite sure you know how nice it is to see your bare hand outstretched towards me- no gloves or rings. 

and if i ever go to spit at it-i want you to know that i will secretly hope i miss. 

hilar-ious.

youth.

child left & child right shared a pair of shoes.
they couldn't afford to get their own 
because they were children after all. 

child left walked outside after a summer rainstorm to find his pile of dirt had become a puddle of mud. instead of stomping on it & getting his shoes all dirty, he picked up a handful & rubbed it on his skin. he liked the way the mud cooled his skin & pretty soon he sat to watch it dry & crack.

child right had been waiting to go out to play all day 
but couldn't because the bricks surrounding the house
were burning in the sun. 
child right had pretty thick skin but
not thick enough to withstand such pain.

child left fell asleep.
child right waited.

child right grew tired of waiting 
& stepped on the road

child left woke up to her screaming. 

owning a life path.

i grew up in a world where everyone shared-except me.
i broke the clay pots & let the extra food rot 
because it wasn't mine & it wasn't his or hers.
it was everyone's, and "ours" is just another word for "nobody's"
is what i always thought.

what we made.

the planets must have aligned 
when you thought everything was fine
because then i knew something had to be wrong.

not wrong. just not right. now. 

if it was wrong, i would have noticed it long before
& i wouldn't have cried making the appointment.

maybe you knew & that's why you
kept your back to me
when we slept. 

because you only wanted to hold me.

its better that you didn't 
because it wouldn't have been right
though i doubt it could feel your embrace
but no doubt it would be engulfed by your energy.

that's probably why i never felt it.
there was nothing foreign to my body.
because it wasn't part of a stranger, or some man 
i didn't truly love.

it was entirely me. 

and now that i know it's there
i can't stop feeling it.
and i can't leave it
or give it away.
i can't see it
or let it grow.
it has to go.
and i almost want to protect it at the same time. 
because it's you and it's me
in a place we've never been. 

and there's sunlight & simplicity-
draped in innocent cotton linen. 

simple.

a bed shone bright draped in white cotton linens
the sunlight melted-entwined with all the fibers. 

until it burned. burned. burned. 
like a simple dream almost realized. 

and the bed was withered with ashes & regret. 

tv smoke

you, young lady. are the most empty. 
emotionless.
young. 
person i have ever had the inconvenience to meet.

at least i was getting paid for it.
to watch your sad eyes-blinded by 
the flashes & your heavy make up.

you have nothing to cover up. 
you're too young for wrinkles-
& what you need to add to
is definitely not on your eye lids. 

the only sizzle i heard from you
were the pop rocks you were eating. 

off the clock.

turn the rusty gold knob but it won't open-
because the key has been brok e n 
inside the lock.

this was no accident,
as the caution tape would suggest.
but the culprit's gone missing,
& nobody is looking for them. 

because she told them she was leaving
to her surprise- they let her go.
(maybe they really do stand for honesty) 

there really isn't any need to go inside 
because all that's left is a white wall clock 
with the black numbers scratched out. 

you see- she'd rather use the sun. 
so when it rained for a week
she lost track of everything.

and didn't know when to go, 
but she may have left in a nick (le) of time
only the clock could tell. 

it doesn't click- like the lock.
there is no tock 
to be heard. 

just faint echos of her quiet being
waiting for the rain to stop
beating.