things i think before i go to bed in tears.

if you're soul burst in an engine fire. 
i think mine would go with it.

empathy.

and i thought to myself, "it must really suck...to lose you."

thanks for opening your window. it was getting hot in here.

i should have stopped
before
i started
because

i'm gettin dizzy from the poison in my veins
and now im feeling the lack of balance in my brain

then i look at your eyes. i feel a soft breeze. 
there's no smile on your face.
but somehow, all i want to do 
is laugh. 

but im telling myself, that's not what a normal person does 
(then i'm thinking to myself what gave me the idea i was a normal person?) 

i want you to keep me. but only if i can keep you too. 
but instead im lost in this angry rant that i don't even feel anymore.

pushing hard against nothing. why am i fighting?
there's probably a chemical sweat dripping down my face. 

& if i want to keep this up, i can't look up 
at you. 
but i do
anyway
& transition from crashing to calm
(im growing down for you.)
keeping both feet on the ground. 

then why can't i just stand to love you? 

because you're eyes make me want to smile. 
even when they're not.

and i'm not sure what hope looks like but 
i think that's the wind blowing through my hair.

middle of nowhere in a thunderstorm.

typing. thinking. stop. typing. answering. telling. stop. thinking. stop. knock. stop. look. stop.

i know that sweatshirt. 

she's wearing a penn state sweatshirt & it says "inspired by tradition." a slogan i helped create as a member of the overall committee at penn state. i must have creeped her out because i had begun to stare, not at her, but at her sweatshirt's logo. an abstract drawing of a blue band member (drawn in blue) blowing into a trumpet and it says 2009 along his boot. 

"um, can i change my temp key?"

before i even acknowledged her question, i interjected my own... "did you go to penn state?"
she did, she had just transferred. and i told her that i helped make that- what her sweatshirt represented. 

then i changed her temp key. 

i thought about penn state and how i didn't cry at graduation, i think because i knew it was over. my time there was done, i was giving someone else a chance. plus i was going to new york. 

you know how your feeling of happiness starts to dindle when you grow up? your excitement and what have you? 

christmas eve is never really the same after you find out santa's just a myth. 

well, when i think about my first summer at penn state after not crying at my high school graduation (which i am perfectly content never returning too again) i feel happiness. i remember what euphoria felt like. i remember driving away from my house on the night of my going away party. a few of my friends had stayed behind. and i started to cry. we left at 3am. got to penn state at 8am. 

i brought nothing. no notebooks. no pens. i kind of forgot i was going to school. because it wasn't really like that. 

i had a 3.8 GPA that summer. 

i kept on graduating from stupid dirty frats, to apartment parties, then i found the hispanic people and went on to multicultural greek parties. and sometimes I almost felt like giving in and joining one of their sororites. but i never could. it's just not in my nature to be a member of only one group. my blood isn't even a member of one group. and i'd look at things and think it'd be fun to do that for a little while. but only a little while. penn state, that was one of my little whiles. 

theres some little whiles i think i might miss sometimes. penn state is one of those too. 
and just as im feeling my throat tigthen and my eyes sting cory walks in and asks me to move to the side so she can take out the garbage. 

we start talking about the rain outside and how it was thundering the other night. she told me she was scared, but it reminded her of home. 

"i always want to be in puerto rico when i see the storms."

i'm about to tell her im going to puerto rico next week. but i don't. 

she smiles and tells me to have a good weekend. and i don't feel so bad.