bitter sweet tuesday

i know nobody really reads this and i need this to leave me- so it's getting written down. it started off waking up from a nightmare. I've been having them for the past week, whenever i fall asleep (including naps). I fell asleep in yoga twice today and i caught myself falling into a vivid dream each time. yoga was part of the sweet bit in my day.

i've just been wanting to either move to the next level or figure out a balance in my relationship. i can't seem to find it and after not speaking to daniel for a day- i really missed him. so i sent him a text and it didn't seem to yield the same response which not only gave me terrible anxiety but you could see the shine in the bits of my ego on the floor reflecting off the lights of the bar i was drinking heavily at. who wouldn't get angry? if you built a wall your entire life to avoid this one feeling of heartbreak and self sabotage your relationships, and sometimes yourself- you may not have the "right" to be angry when you finally speak naked and honest only to be handed a foundation to build your wall up again- but it is definitely a frustrating situation. especially when you never asked to be taken out, have a private screening of your favorite movie, or completely and utterly swept off your feet but someone you can actually consider a best friend and a lover. you never ask because things that you can't handle might happen and you aren't a relationship person. suddenly, you see this amazing person is and they are trying to make it work and they trust you completely so you think "alright, this might be okay." and it kills you every time you do something out of your instincts (hold your tongue, cook dinner for them, wait up for them, miss them because they're the only one you want to be with) but you do it anyway.

it's probably my fault that it all seems so easy to do these normal things in a relationship. taking the other person's feelings into consideration- but it isn't for me. finding someone who understands that, well, that may be impossible. which is why i'd rather avoid this feeling all together. i'm not good at this.

what i am good at- that's the sweet part today. my episode of Rescue Me aired tonight on FX- 41 minutes in, right hand side...I haven't felt a rush like that since I can't even remember.

and I nailed an interview...but I still feel like something's missing. I thought that might mean I was really in love, which is what I have been struggling with. If I really loved this person or not- and I was so excited to find that I did, but I guess it just came too late. It's going to be really embarrassing when I tell my parents who keep asking about him. And it basically kills me that I look like a parasite. This is why I keep to myself. (and my entire life which I apparently blog about on the internet.)

Anyway, this is about you Colleen- since you're the only one who reads this. JUST KIDDING. I hate you so much.

I wish I could cry right now. but I won't let myself.

a little girl.

yesterday at a meeting with members of a bridal party (which i am apart of), i played with a little girl rather than fully paid attention. i was initially immersed in the conversation of party buses, overnight stays, naked men dance parties with an overwhelming feeling of frustration. I haven't been having the best two days (personally- professionally, they have been above and beyond) and listening to pricey options and desires with money I don't currently have (I emptied out my savings account on a vacation like a lunatic) made me want to scream some inappropriate things until i felt a poke from a little hand on my shoulder.

"hi. are you ticklish?" icebreakers are always quick with anyone below the age of 5. Something I've also found to be true with these small curious individuals is they know within the first few seconds of seeing you whether they like you or they don't. Usually, I am on the don't side. I work better with children out of the toddler years- who flock towards older people they think are "cool" rather than 5 and below who tend to appreciate someone who reminds them of mommy.

she decided that she liked me, and i let her use my drawing phone app-showed her pictures that daniel had drawn and attempted to teach her to draw a heart (an arrow pointing towards you and two equal size small rainbows on top) Apparently, my purse, car keys and ipod were now hers. Usually, when someone tries to take my possessions (regardless of age) I am annoyed, but for some reason I was incredibly calm. I think I was still in shock that she liked me, as she leaned against me and grabbed my hand.

Noticing my nail polish, she placed her miniature hand in mine and said "paint my nails." I told her I didn't have any nail polish, and she grabbed mine and mimicked the motions of nail painting. "Oh, she wanted to pretend- you stupid idiot."

At this point everyone stood up to go to the computer and look at photos of the stripping men at different venues. Her mother picked her up and moved over with them. I felt another poke on my shoulder and when I looked over, she was leaning forward towards me with her arms spread wide. She wanted me to hold her. So I did. And I started to think about what it would be like to have a daughter- all the things my friends who have them tell me. "I want to teach her the things I never learned with someone by my side."

It made me a little sad-because I'm not sure I'll ever have a daughter.

thought.

the hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

i am moving back to new york sometime next week. or whenever daniel makes the key for me.