she doesn't deserve it.

i do.

i don't want to see it happen, is that selfish? 

i don't want to be there to see her cry. 

it makes me numb. 

side effects: headache, nausea, psychosis.

yes, it really said PSYCHOSIS. um. im taking this medicine and it's making me feel weird. not my kind of weird. someone else's kind of weird. i feel like my uterus is filled with strange things living inside of me and my teeth hurt every time i walk. it makes me fall asleep at 8pm. then i wake up and go back to normal (staying up until 2/3am). it's really uncomfortable to go to sleep too. i feel like i can't suck in my stomach and when i eat, it's a million times worse. 

i didn't eat until i got home at 7pm from my internship. you see, my stomach comes second to "time sensitivity."

there's a show called "Impressionism" that's opening on Saturday, thus I had to run around the world delivering things to investors and dropping off mirrors (stephen asked me 35 times which gave me the urge to break them all but stephen is cool and im on crazy medicine). I actually had fun though because running around manhattan beats the fuck out of sitting in front of a computer screen all day plus i had some crazy adventures along the way. 

"time sensitivity" was not apparent to me when matt asked me to bring a package to the post office that needed to be overnighted to california. the post office informed me that the zip code was not eligible for overnighting, but they could get it thursday morning. I said sure because what's a day? well, apparently a day is a big deal because matt asked me to go back and get the package then go to ups. who does returns at the post office? "oh yeah, you see i was having second thoughts on sending out that package. it just didn't fit right." 

don't worry, if you were wondering, our postal service is very hard at work. the package was gone within the 20 minutes it took me standing on line to ask. 

matt was really nice about it though. which surprised me because sometimes he talks to people like we're idiots. i don't think he does it on purpose because it evens it out with saying funny things. anyway, i ended up printing up a fed ex tag and grabbing those stupid mirrors to deliver them. though i clearly told everyone i was leaving, matt called me and told me that i should tell somebody when im going to leave. then he told me to do 6 other things, including to go ahead and grab a bite to eat which he quickly took back in a voicemail. i dropped off the mirrors and the guy was really nice to me. he spoke like he was in a hurry "we've been waiting for these! thank you so much!" but stood there like he wanted to chat. i was a little agitated so i hesitated on saying something clever like "wish i could have brought them sooner." he seemed really excited to see me, it made me feel kind of nice. 

i get back to the office and there's a package waiting to be delivered to an investor who lives on sutton place. i was excited because last time i had one of these packages it went to someone on the rich side of central park...well, the richer side. 

i finally get there.

TWO DOORMEN (which politely welcomed me as they opened the doors), marble floors, huge fresh flower arrangements, holy shit these people were rich. I dropped off the package with the gentleman at the front desk and as i was leaving, one of the doormen (the older one with a accent) said, "New York Film Academy?"

I told him that I was studying acting. He was excited that I wanted to be an actress and I told him he would see me in the movies one day. I think he thought I was a big deal because he made me feel like one. He looked kind of like a proud father, he had an accent like my dad actually and they were probably about the same age. When I went to turn away he continued the conversation, "What kind of films? Drama?"

I turned back to him and felt the impulse to open up but I didn't know if he would get it or why I would be telling a complete stranger my life dream and the reason behind it. i didn't have to, he already knew i wanted to be an actress. he didn't need to know why, i guess he saw the passion in my face and that intrigued him. 

i think he might have said good luck and i put my hand out and said "melissa." he pulled his glove off and shook my hand clearly taken aback. I walked back to the subway and laughed to myself. 

then are many more puppies with sweaters on sutton place. i couldn't help but look at them all and hold in my urge to "tuktutkatuakutkautkt" at them. but every once in awhile,  a person would catch my eye. this lady caught my eye. "that woman looks kind of arab" i thought to myself. she looked right back at me as we passed each other on the street. then she walked up to me and asked me a question. I didn't hear her because my ipod was on so I gave her a weird face which I thought meant "repeat please." apparently, she thought it meant "I don't speak English." She wasn't Arab, she seemed too relieved as she repeated her question in Spanish. 

"Fifty-sixth street is that way."

"Por alla?"

"Yup."

"Ay, Gracias."

when I got back around work, I studied how people walked. I tried to walk like them behind them.  I wonder if I made anyone laugh. 

the subway ride home was wonderful. there was a man playing songs and asking everyone in the car to tell him what they were. when he asked for donations he said, "i take hair weaves, i take college credit, i take jewish money..." everyone was smiling. when somebody got a hard song right he said, "YOU GODDAMN RIGHT LADY!" and when the mousey white girl next to me knew the black artist who sung the song he just played, he said "YOU BEEN HANGING AROUND BLACK PEOPLE HUH?"

then he played a song for everyone in the car and asked them to sing along..."EVEN THE WHITE PEOPLE."

he lost his job at Lehman's and had three kids. I bet he felt alive making people laugh like that. 

i know i would.

 

you know there's something out there. "a whole world", you said.

you aren't hopeless. 

though sometimes you might (not) feel (anything) 

it: until you control it  by your own hand. 

you aren't one of them, the hopeless don't have that power:

to end it all when they see fit. 

them, well, they only give up & in. 

on the life they thought they couldn't control

&

to the society they didn't choose. 

they think they're dead, so they become one with their thoughts.

they think they're alive, so they become what another wants them to be (the same). 

their hands aren't their own. 

you, my friend, are abstract and unyielding. 

"i don't understand how people live like that..."

you aren't hopeless.

you know there's something out there.

 "...a whole world", you said. 

you decide when football season is over. 

while they just sit and wait...

why i act...

on the first day of our acting technique class, our professor asked each of us why we acted.

a lot of people said they liked acting because they could get away from themselves for a little while, like an escape, and just be someone else. 

i never agreed with that. that's not why i do it. acting makes me feel more of myself than anything else. i do it because it makes me feel alive. i lose myself in another character, but it's my body that i use to release the expresssion. 

he loves children...get it?

"children. i love children." 

this is what billy said when Heidi, our voice & movement teacher, asked us to come up in front of the class and talk about one thing we are passionate about other than theatre. 

everyone else said something like music, but not billy. billy said "My name is William Koffing and I am passionate about...children."

billy's getting married on saturday, so we decided to throw him a bachelor party. every party needs a theme...therefore alex and i came up with the wonderful theme of pedophiles. 

we bought baby shaped decorations and alex put up pictures of children with disturbing quotes. 

billy loved it. 

no sleep til...brooklyn?

so i have not yet gone to sleep. it's fine. i feel awesome. i drank some tea to make sure i don't crash during my internship. mmmmm. caffeine. my bank account is overdrawn, gotta deposit the $20 billy gave me for agreeing to watch his gats*to try to avoid the late fee. he's getting married this weekend, his bachelor party is tomorrow. it is going to be the weirdest affair ever. i promise.

however, this week is turning out to be pretty terrible. i'm not sure why i'm not fully depressed yet. THON is this weekend at Penn State and I know that one of my old residents was totally into it. She had to leave last semester because she was diagnosed with leukemia. i checked up on her once in awhile and i went to go write on her wall. she passed away last week. they said she went peacefully. she was never depressed when i talked to her about her illness. she was always saying "i'll be back...i'll be back soon...just taking a break." 

RIP Jillian. <3

*gat (noun): abbreviation of the spanish word "gato" meaning cat in English. 

two roses & a phone call.

i went in the old freight elevator again. it doesn't have a number 13. i only noticed because it's my birthday number. i had went to look for it and low and behold 11, 12....14? people thought it was unlucky and decided to omit it rather than run the risk of not being able to rent out that floor. i googled it and apparently they sometimes used the letter "m" instead of 13 because "m" is the 13th letter in the alphabet. my name is melissa and i was born on the 13th. but there's no such thing as luck, remember?

well, maybe there is. in the case of the number 13.

this past friday was the 13th, which i completely failed to realize until now. my mom had been having some minor issues which a simple surgery could fix. she was all set to get it done on the 13th. i spoke to her that day and said i would call her on valentines day when she got home. i went to spend the weekend at adams. i didn't want to see my mom in the hospital because, well, i don't like seeing her weak and it was a routine procedure anyway. 

adam gave me two roses. i felt like a real girl. two is my favorite number you know. wow, i just realized that. i wonder if he did that on purpose. he also gave me the chance to lose the lottery for the first time, which i did...twice. it was awesome nonetheless. 

so the 14th rolls around and my mom calls me. that was weird, because she knew i was going to call her in the afternoon. she sounded terrible. i wasn't sure why she was calling me and not my dad or if you're even allowed to use a cell phone while lying in a hospital bed. i almost started crying. her voice was crackly and i couldn't completely understand her. i thought i heard her say that she was going home monday. "monday? why monday?" they needed to do a few more things because during the operation, they found cancer. i felt my throat tighten and my hands started to tremble as i struggled to understand what she was saying. they had found cancer in her uterus and the treatment for it included the procedure she just underwent. then she talked about how when she got better we could go see shows in the city and all these different things. i didn't want her to hear me crying (she probably knew anyway because mom's always know). after we hung up. i sat there, i may have still been trembling. i was staring straight at the wall in front of me next to adam's closet door. i felt tears run down my cheek. 

sure i'm an actress but there's something very intimate about crying in front of a person for the first time. at least for me. this was a different cry though, this was a "what if my mother isn't there for my wedding or my first child" cry. the "what if" cry is what a cry is always seen as: something sad. 

and it was sad. i don't think he liked it very much. i'm not so sure i would have been able to make myself feel better if i was in brooklyn when i got the news. i'm not so sure i would have been able to hold myself together for patrick and my dad if i was at the hospital with them when the doctor came out. but i wasn't in brooklyn and i wasn't at the hospital. i was there. i wasn't expected to be strong for anyone and i wasn't allowed to stay in bed and sleep all day. and the day went on. 

i called my dad today (i was a bit worried because he hates hospitals) but my mom answered. "where's poppa?" 

"oh he's outside having a smoke." 

 she sounded a lot better when she told me that they had taken everything out and the doctor was going to run some tests. we'll find out next week what stage it's in. 

the doctor seemed pretty positive, apparently he saw the cancer while they were doing the procedure and called in the oncologist. i wonder if he told her she was lucky. 

when you have money, you spend it. when you don't, you don't.

still trying to grasp that concept. 

anyway, today was a good day because i realized how much i like my internship because everyone is an actor (well the majority) and they are all friendly and funny and laid back. today, nick brought us a valentine's day game and some banana bread cake. 

now if you know me, you know i only eat fruit in it's natural form. and bananas DO NOT come in bread form. but i felt it would be rude to not eat it after he spent his hard earned broadway show producing money to purchase it. i came to a conclusion. maybe bananas should come in bread form. it was quite delicious. it was much like my experience with rice pudding. 

now if you know me, you know i don't eat foods with the consistency of throw up. but adam brought some up to his room and i made the sad face while i watched him eat it. then he said, "have you ever tried it?" and i said "of course not". so then i tried a little bit. and it kinda wasn't bad. then i ate half of his bowl. the rice pudding, not the bowl. yeah.....

anyway, i've started a pattern. on purpose. well, not on purpose. it was my intuition to say "now if you know me" and then go back to "anyway" but i almost didn't do it. you know why, because it's probably not the best way to write but fuck it. 

I had a revelation walking to the subway from work on tuesday. earlier in the day, i didn't know which way to turn to go to work (i'm too stubborn to ask for directions in a city i've lived near my entire life) and my intuition told me to go right. but then i stopped and thought about it then walked left instead. only to find out that i should have walked right. 

i've always been lucky and things have always just seemed to fall into place for me. i think it always stuck around because i never actually relied on it. it just kept me from feeling anxious because i knew somehow, everything would work out. that started to fade, especially during college. things still somewhat fell into place but sometimes they had to be forced to fit. 

i stopped trying to force them. and shit kind of just fell into place again. i stopped thinking and followed my intuition again. thus my revelation is this:

there's no such thing as luck: only intuition. 

and the quotes go on...

i do this thing where i write down all the hilarious things i hear in class from both classmates and professors. Mostly, James Price quotes (he's my Miesner teacher). Sergei & Adrian also provide me with some good material as well. Let's reminisce.

DURING REPETITION (LOST IN TRANSLATION):

Billy vs. Sergei

B:"You have a nice face."

S:"I know I have a nice face."

B: "You know you have a nice face."

S: "I know I have a nice face."

B: "You know you have a nice face."

S: "I know I have a fancy face."

B: "You know...you have...a fancy face?"

S: "Don't look daisy."

B: "What."

Some other time...

B: Getting Angry

S: Getting Angry

B: GET ANGRY!

S: WHAT ARE YOU? MY FUCKING DOCTOR?

"Your hair looks strange."

-James Price to Greg in the middle of explaining something else.

"Why would he be making a clarinet...out of a carrot?"

-James Price on Camillo bringing in a large carrot, hollowing it out and creating a clarinet for his difficult task during repetition and it's lack of reason.

"We can't go into an audition and play a carrot."

"You all, when your partner says 'Fuck You', you HAVE to stop taking it sexually."

-James on us.

"It was a soap holder...it was enamel. She's been to my apartment before, she should have known!"

-James on a gift he did not like. 

"She was ambivalent towards beards."

-James Price on recapping my answer to a 3 moment exercise. 

"Your making me feel very very frustrated....and....navigated?"

-Adrian, he meant to say aggravated. 

"If I didn't commit, I'd just be the guy holding the rubber." 

-Sergei...he was holding a yoga mat. 

"You suck ONE dick in college and..."

-Our acting for film teacher (Bob Goodman) to Alex

"It's 4am and your friends are dead."

-Text Analysis teacher on creating an environment 

"Some people like to kill people, some people like to open their mail on the floor...you twisted fuck."

- Bob 

"I forgot James Earl Jones was in this movie."

- Billy while watching the closing scene from Field of Dreams

"Um. He's kind of an important character."

-Alex's response

 And I shall leave you with not so funny ones,

"Don't be anything until something happens to make you do it. Because what you do doesn't depend on you, it depends on what the other person does to you."

"I can't know what I can't possibly know yet..."

-Mr. James Price

wind chimes.

right now. i feel happy. the kind of happiness that comes from a pure place. it's not a fake happy, it's not forced. it isn't the happiness you see in the movies or the kind you see in other people. it's personal and it's freeing. its smiling at something simple and laughing out loud when nothing funny happened. it's feeling romantic without candle light. its like the soft sound of silver wind chimes sliding past each other and touching ever so slightly. its the sunlight through your window on my face in the morning. the gargle of your snores that don't seem to bother me at all. it comes from the same place these words were born. without thought. just feeling. 

ps. i hate how eblogger is never accurate with my posting time. its 2:41am dammit.

me. myself. and i.

the search continues...

been looking through monologues, found one i do like but it's very short. check it out:

"you don't see it. you just don't see it. how can i possibly love you when you don't see it? you don't see anything! you don't see me, you don't see beauty, you don't see grace and goodness and hope.

when the moon shines down on the lake and the ripples in the water are delicately highlighted by the translucent light, and every single color shines in one magnificent streak of greatness, you don't see it.

and when i look at you , and my eyes are filled with so much pain that i can barely keep them open, you don't see it.

you don't see the sun, you don't see the way rain trickles down the glass and makes streaks so that it's almost impossible to distinguish a face on the opposite side.

why can't you see?! I can't love you if you close your eyes to the world- to the birds, the sky and the water- and the people who love you.

LOOK AT ME! WATCH ME! LOOK AT ME STAND HERE! LOOK AT ME WATCH YOU!

Look at me leave."


Thus the search continues. Kendrea is in Oklahoma for the week so I have the room to myself. Adam stayed for a few days. Now it's just me- dancing in my underwear, singing at the top of my lungs and searching for monologues. 

I'm also in a wedding party. Congrats Will & Michelle! 

2.2.09

My favorite day. The 2nd day of the 2nd month of the year.

Fabulous.