then i cried. hard.

Well, this week was fun times. I did awesome in my acting for film "moment" but not so well on Friday's scene. I went to Union Bar & Mansion the night before and got a matching bruise on my other knee.

Oh, where did I get the first bruise you ask? Let me provide you with some background information.

I started my internship this week. It is fabulous times and all the people who work there are really quite nice. It's located in the garment district so I'm surrounded by fabric stores and fashion designers. Only one elevator was working so this man (I guess he works there, I don't know) let everyone ride in his old fashioned elevator. It's so old that he can actually manually stop it at the floors he wants. Of course the beauty of it was slightly tarnished by the random cleaning supplies and tools but it was still beautiful. I asked him what the building used to be. Of course I was imagining some gorgeous apartment complex or hotel in a time when women wore their hair in pin curls and smoked cigarettes with those elegant holders. You know, that time when men wore hats, suspenders and shiny shoes on a daily basis.

"A factory! Every building was a factory! When people used to work hard, people don't work hard anymore."

Sigh. It was a nice thought.

Anyway, I had to go buy some fabric for a display at one of the Broadway shows we merchandise for and I had noticed eariler in the day that my right boot was slightly slippery. Anyone who knows me knows I walk a million miles per hour. so I was doing that as the don't walk hand kept flashing in my direction then I felt my right leg go a little too far forward and my left leg buckled and bent underneath me. I landed in a half split. I'm a graceful faller. I wasn't embarrassed. I never really am when I fall. I just got up and kept walking. My knee bruised the next day.

I fell over the rope at Mansion. My other knee bruised the next day, so I wore a dress that way everyone could see. Fun.

So I had been feeling shitty (emotionally) all day and my Acting for Film teacher noticed. I had started to cry when I was getting into character but I held it in when I was on camera. He didn't like that. I held onto it all day until my improv scene for Acting Technique. I had choosen "coming home from an affair." I got all these props: a ring, a wedding magazine, a picture frame, perfume. But all I did when I walked in...was cry. I walked in carrying some high heels- washed my make up off furiously in my fourth wall mirror then sat on my bed and thought. I thought about how shitty I would feel if I fucked up my situation now (though my character's situation was that she was newly engaged which makes the stakes higher). I lost it. I'm pretty good at fucking things up and I never was really one for relationships (at least being good at them) but I'm really trying this time. The thought of ruining it was killing me.

so i cried. hard. i cried like i used to cry when i was by myself. when i felt so depressed and didn't want to move. like that time i skipped class for a week. i haven't cried like that in awhile and i credit that to the people i've let into my life and reconnecting with the people who have always been in my life. i cried so hard that i actually started to feel it. the tightening of my throat, the screaming in my mind of "what the fuck is wrong with me?!", the extreme despair weighing down on my chest. I wiped my tears the way I did. I looked up the same way. Like looking at something you want so bad but can't have. I forgot I was in class and that everyone was staring at me. I forgot that maybe they wouldn't understand what my character was going through or that maybe they would thought I was just raped instead. I curled in a ball and hid under my blankets. Bela said "cut." And I laid there. She made me sit up, I think she could tell I was falling into too much and needed to be pulled out immediately. The class didn't look at me like i was crazy, they looked at me like i was human and they understood.

"I know she messed up, she's really upset she fucked something up."

"She had an affair."

I just exposed myself to these people completely. And I felt safe. I have never felt so close to a group of people in such a short period of time. Sure, I've had that feeling one-on-one but not with a group like this. I have never felt so alive.

I'm done now. I have a film shoot in the morning. Good Night.

My Idol.

home sweet home.

I'm home. I love it. Cousins are awesome (especially the one who is puking his brains out in the bathroom right now). Plus this other guy who is not my cousin. The end. Oh and my bro, he's cool.

lyrics i enjoy.

i know that is freezing but I think we'll have to walk

i keep waving at the taxis, they keep turning their lights off

but julie knows a party at some actor's west side loft

supplies are endless in the evening, by the morning they'll be gone

when everything is lonely, i can be my own best friend

i get  a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations

with the sidewalk and the pigeons & my window reflection

the mask i polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit

and i know you have a heavy heart,

i can feel it when we kiss

so many men stronger than me

have thrown their backs out 

trying to lift it.

but me, i'm not a gamble.

you can count on me to spilt.

the love i sell you in the evening

by the morning won't exist.

your looking skinny like a model

with your eyes all painted black

just keep going to the bathroom always saying you'll be right back

well it takes one to know one kid. 

i think you got it bad

what's so easy in the evening, by the morning's such a drag

i got a flask inside my pocket, we can share it on the train

and if you promise to stay conscious, i will try and do the same

well, we might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain

but what was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane.

and im not sure what the trouble was, that started all of this

the reasons all have run away, but the feeling never did

it's not something i would recommend

but it is one way to live

cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is.

it was so simple in the moonlight, now it's so complicated.

it was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight. 

-Bright Eyes "Lua"

quotes i can't forget.

"I'm not going to call my mom while I'm at a party for robots."

"Let's have dinner."

"Fuck you and your boots!"

"Your a cock."

"man..WOMAN!"

"Is it winter or winther?...I don't know."

"Yeah, people here are rude...no offense Melissa."

"Be a bitch? YEAH JUST BE YOURSELF!"

These will be explained in more detail. I just need to write them down. That which is not written is eventually forgotten. You understand.

welcome to the family.

oh why hello there.

i have had a very busy week filled with insanity and new family members known as NYFA January 2009 Section D (Audition Track). 

Little Orphan Annie is only 18 but you would never be able to tell the second she opens her mouth to speak. Her interesting fact was that she can throw a tennis ball with her foot. We put her to the test during lunch break but all Morgan had was a grapefruit. Annie indeed threw that grapefruit (to Billy, who ducked) and hit some random girl who was pretty pissed. The director of the acting program, Glenn, walked by and stopped to watch. Annie cracked under pressure and juiced the grapefruit with her toe. 

Sergie "I'm not afraid of the gay" is from Russia. He's 27 therefore he has been dubbed the father. Our Acting for Film I teacher kept teasing him throughout class. Something about monkeys and hookers came up. Our teacher turned to Sergie and said "You guys have hookers in Russia don't you?" Sergie replied, "We have monkeys."

Stefanie aka Georgia is the momma bear with her wisdom filled 26 years. She's basically the one out of us that looks the most sane when we're in public together. She laughs as loud as me, which makes her okay people. Since she's from the south, she's automatically nice. 

Canadian Morgan (the girl who never stops smiling) made us play this game called "rhino or rodent" which basically entails saying whether a person looks like a rhino or a rodent. When we said it was a weird game, she replied with "No, it's not. It's reality." 

Alex (is his middle name) but Charles is his first. He's the third Charles so he decided to mix it up I suppose. He's from Boston and he reminds me of somebody. I'm still not sure who but he's the person I make eye contact with when I'm laughing on the inside during class, like in speech class when Billy read about "the vibrator." He's like Jim from The Office but he doesn't put people's things in jello. 

Greg has the same birthday as me. The first day of class, our Miesner teacher called him an idiot (twice), made fun of his hair and told him he wanted to slap him in the face. The second class he easied up a bit but it was still hilarious nonetheless. During our Acting for Film class, our teacher said "Guys make yourself comfortable, sit on the floor, chair, where ever. Lay out, spread your legs." Greg said, "If I had a nickel every time I heard that...." I looked at Alex.

Sarah was absent on the second day. I don't know much about her. She has brown hair.

William aka Billy looks like Robert Downy Jr. and when our Miesner teacher told the class everyone needed to pin their hair back (acting is in the face you see) he tried. I didn't like it so I fixed it. Then he looked like Johnny Depp. He told our Acting Technique teacher that he would have to miss a class in February when she asked him why..."Oh, I'm getting married." = ) 

Chris is pretty young too. He facebooked me and his photo was a picture of his bare chest. I'm assuming he's a model. He's the raw talent I suppose, never having acted before.

Adrian is from Norway. He is a Chace Crawford looking fellow. 

i didn't blog yesterday because...well...

I had my headshots yesterday. My face is fat. I'm over it. 

So me and my new friends were bored and I had this awesome idea to go to a bar at 3pm. They all agreed and we headed out into the wilderness. We didn't know where the bar was so Mamba (he's from Africa) tried to ask a lady...she ignored him real good. Then he asked this girl who looked like she was 12 though she probably wasn't. She pointed us in some random direction and next thing you know I was on my second Long Island. 

It was great though because we weren't acting like fools. We were having intelligent conversations about acting and the world and people. We connected. Someone would mention something that other people had thought they were weird for and someone else would say "I DO THAT TOO!" We then decided to head to Washington Heights which I don't really remember, then we ended up in Chevy's on 42nd. 

"I'll pimp her so we can go to Louis Vuitton" Mamba said about some older woman whose face was a victim of plastic surgery. 

Then Mamba went his way and Stefanie, Jasmine and I stumbled our way back to Brooklyn Heights. Don't worry we were highly entertained by the crazy man in the subway who was screaming in some man's face. He was all sorts of crazy and when the man and his girlfriend got up to move (they sat next to me. YES.) the guy followed them and called him names that I didn't like and told him to tell his girl to "come over and give me a lewinsky." There were children in our car (yes at 1am...not sure why). The bad ass MTA guy had the train stop and asked the man to leave, he walked back on the opposite side and spit on the guy he had been yelling at. The man started yelling back (which was a dumb idea in my opinion) and I tried very hard not to laugh. Then I eventually got home and fell asleep at 5am. 

That's why I didn't blog yesterday.

As for today, we went to Serendipity. We were told there was a 45 minute wait....this ensued:

Host: Cinderella? Cinderella's party? 

(walks over to Jasmine)

Host: You look like a Cinderella.

(Jasmine makes a funny face)

Me: She's not but you could seat us if you want.

Host: What's your name?

Me: Melissa

*walks over to the desk*

Host: Give me the party of three.

And then we were seated. We proceeded to stuff our faces with food and dessert. Then walked our bloated selves home to watch "No Country For Old Men" which is NOTHING compared to "There Will Be Blood."

*puts down bowling pin*

I'm finished. 

Get it? 

pictures i enjoy.

"There was no such person as Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe was an invention of hers. A genius invention that she created, like an author creates a character. So when Marilyn Monroe put on a sequin dress and danced in the studio--I mean for hours she danced and sang and flirted, and did this thing. There is no describing what she did, she did Marilyn Monroe. . .And then there was the inevitable drop because she was someone who went very high up and very way down. And when the night was over, she sat in the corner like a child with everything gone. But I wouldn't photograph her without her knowledge of it. And as I came with the camera, I saw that she was not saying no."

-Richard Avedon.

penn state residence life.

italy is a country of the sun.

Let's begin. 

Wanna see something funny? 

HAHAHAHAHA. Perez had his usual voting items up and this post happened to be about Jessica Alba's new bangs. Apparently I was the first to vote, so this happened. 

Today began with my screen test. I was confident being that I had practiced numerous times in the "food warming area" of my building. It was a scene from Garden State, I read the part of Sam.

I got my new boots from Aldo which are fabulous and I think I feel like a real person now. I saw Stefano (my adopted Italian son) as soon as I got to the SoHo building and I practiced a few times with him. Then I made some new friends until I was called into my screen test. The lady (I believe her name is Bella) had noticed my impeccable taste in clothing and told me I looked sharped. I mean, this is like an audition right? Aren't you suppose to look sharp? I walked up to her and shook her hand (It's the Public Relations in me) which may have caught her a bit off guard. She then ran through some standard questions: How old are you? Where are you from? Do you have a degree? OH YOU DO HAVE A DEGREE? (I think she may have liked that). I then did my scene with one of the NYFA students who stood behind the camera. It's a bit tough to feel completely tension free when standing on a mark but I handled it pretty well. She asked me if I had a monologue prepared. Of course I did. 

Sasha's monologue from Ivanov by Anton Chekhov.

"There are many great things that a man cannot understand. Any girl would rather love an unfortunate man than a fortunate one because, well, every girl would like to do something by loving. A man has his work to do so, for him, love is kept in the background. To talk to his wife, to walk with her in the garden, just to pass the time pleasantly with her. That's all love means to a man. But for us, love means life. I love you. That means that I shall only dream of how I shall cure you of your sadness, how I shall go with you to the ends of the earth. If you are in heaven, I am in heaven! If you are in the pit, I am in the pit. For instance, it would be my greatness pleasure to write all night for you or to watch all night that no one should wake you. I remember, three years ago, you came to us. You were all tired, dirty and sunburned. You asked me for a drink of water and by the time I had brought it to you, you were already laying on the couch sleeping like a dead man. You slept there for half a day. And I watched the entire time that no one should disturb you. How happy I was. You see, the more a girl can do...the better her love will be...that is, I mean, the more she feels it."

I confessed my love to the NYFA student and it was funny because he reacted. When I told him I loved him. I guess I did it truthfully. I always do that one truthfully. 

So she says "Very Good. Now do it like you really have to pee."

She's testing to see if I'll change it up. Which I did. 

She then informed me of a class that was audition only (the advanced level?) and that she would see if there was room for me. If not, she assured me I would be in a very good level. 

I left happy. But not satisfied. I could have given a lot more vulnerability, taken more risks. I like never being satisfied because once I'm satisfied what is left to work towards? Then I can die. I'm not ready to die. 

Anyway, I signed up for my headshot time and went outside to smoke a cig. Turns out Stefano, who is currently living in a hotel, smokes too.

"Yes. I quit but I'm back on them." (he's 19 btw)

*his cigarette goes out*

"THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN ITALY. ITALY IS A COUNTRY OF THE SUN."

then I laughed, said goodbye Italian style and headed over to the SVA dorms to meet Erin for some lunching. Then napped and got up to go see a play (FOR FREE!) with Stefanie (our new friend Jason ditched). We saw "The Judgement of Paris." Pretty amazing. I got an apple thrown at my face. I shall blog about this later. I don't go to the theatre to escape, I go to witness both new and familiar ideas and to think. I have thoughts. Too many for right now. Let me organize them. 

Headshots in the afternoon. I think I'll try to clean the bathroom now. 

realization.

being happy gives you more energy. 

i can't sleep as usual. running on 5 hours and i feel amazing.

there's a bomb in the lasagna...

amazing day. 

it started off on a good mood due to some good mood conjuring circumstances which i shall keep to myself (it's more special that way.) 

I was suppose to get up at 8:30am but that seemed like a bad idea when my alarm went off, so I got up at 10am instead. Then the only negative occurrence of the day: it was pouring out and I left my umbrella at Jen B's house at her graduation party...last year. Granted she lives in Brooklyn now, and I just saw her an hour ago...but luckily the subway is right under my building. When I got off at Union Square it was pouring even more and I was wearing uggs like an id (they were soaked). Luckily, the AM New York man handed me a paper after complimenting my boots (or making fun of me?). I then proceeded to use it as a makeshift umbrella. I looked pretty awesome sliding across to NYFA underneath that. 

i LOVE NYFA. The entire faculty is so welcoming and professional. They are really passionate about what they do and the craft of acting. During orientation, one of the speakers said something that really hit home with me (reminded me of Susan Russell):

"There are a lot of actors out there, but there are only a few good actors. The truly good actors are the most intelligent people you will meet, they're thinkers. They are constantly thinking and observing."

I observed a lot today. I met a girl from Georgia who is taking the same program as me. I basically forced her to spend the entire day with me. There are tons of international students in my program as well. I tapped one on the shoulder and said: 

"Where you from?"

"Italy."

"THATS SO COOL."

"No, that's why I'm here."

*silence*

"Just kidding, Italy is nice."

His name is Stefano and my Georgia friend's name is Stefanie...so it works out well. 

Hilarity.

I saw someone's coat get stolen and they ran after the guy and almost got hit by a car. It was awesome. 

Then I started laughing to myself because I had a funny thought...Stefanie asked me why I was laughing.

"You're going to think I'm fucked up."

"Just tell me."

"Well, imagine I went someplace where I knew my purse would be stolen and someone took it but I had put a bomb in my purse."

HAHAHAHAHAHAH I'm laughing right now. I would make them explode. Jesus. what is wrong with me. I have to laugh tomorrow during my screen test...guess what I'm thinking about. 

Anyway, when I had concluded my day Jennifer Berlingeri graced me with her presence and took me out to Red Bamboo with Liz and their friend, Sarah. It was a vegan place. I ate a fake burrito! Well, the burrito was real...the chicken wasn't. There were beans in it...I ate them anyway. 

Overall, good times. I made new friends. 

"JEN! I FEEL SO ALIVE!"

song lyrics i enjoy.

I thought you'd put me in rapture

I never asked you to dump her 

Thought you knew we'd have a high life

But still I see your philosophy 

falling through my tainted mind

would you dig my dirt?

cause i'm so desperate

can't you see you're wasting time?

It ain't ever gonna feel this good, honey.

I failed to tell you, to tell you now

that I've been fooled

cause I'm not cool

and the scissors slide

away with my pride.

Speeding down a dead-end track

I wanted you, there's no way back

Got a destructive appetite.

Oh baby please!

Lift me off my knees

A little smile can go for miles

I may be young but I'll grow up strong

& by then she'll look like her mom

It ain't ever gonna feel this good, honey.

I failed to tell you, to tell you now

that I've been fooled

cause I'm not cool

and the scissors slide

away with my pride.

- Soho Dolls "I'm Not Cool".

welcome to the rest of your life.

So turns out Brooklyn Heights is gorgeous and not too far a drive from my homeland in Jersey. Looking at the old fashioned homes kind of makes me think crazy thoughts. Well, actually normal thoughts. Allow me to explain...you know how normal people have "crazy" thoughts? For example, they do everything that society views as "normal" but sometimes they have those "imagine if" moments such as:

-sky diving.

-laying out in their front lawn in the middle of winter.

-staying up til 4am when you have to be up at 6am.

-having a child out of wedlock (bastardization: i made up that word).

-making up new words and actually using them in daily life.

-cutting a week of college to go to miami for no apparent reason.

-going to art school.

-following their dreams.

But they're only "imagine if" moments in the end and normal people may not always act on them. That's how being normal goes. As for me, I think a bit differently. Everything on that list seems pretty normal to me despite the fact that I have not gone skydiving (shit is expensive) or birthed a child. Thus, I have "normal" thoughts sometimes. Looking at the houses in my neighborhood kinda makes me want to get married, have a family and live happily ever after. 

But that's a "imagine if" moment. I'll probably never act on it. 

The life of an artist. I'm like a priest. Well, maybe not. 

ANYWAY.

I brought up my things on the 2nd and went back home until tonight. Met my roomie finally...this conversation transpired:

Me: Do you smoke?

Kendrea: Yeah......I'm sorry.

Me: No. That's awesome. Can I bum one?

So basically she passes the test. My other roomie is a digital journalism major therefore NYFA owns her? Haven't met her yet. 

Anyway, let's move onto signs why this was a good move for me. I went downstairs to ask about the internet in the student life office and Keri Ann Byers is sitting there. We went to elementary school together at St. Mary's. That place where they wouldn't let me wear nail polish and measured our skirts on a daily basis. Turns out she lives in the building and so does another girl I went to elementary school with too. Works out well for me. 

I'm pretty much moved in now. I'm actually kind of tired, really tired. I got enough sleep though...all the excitement I suppose. My orientation is tomorrow and apparently I get to do a screen test to gauge my acting abilities before I get my schedule. I decided to start this blog so when my mind starts to go, my story can be told. Or to make myself feel better...not sure yet. I'll let you know.

Maybe.

"I thought you'd put me in rapture...It ain't ever gonna feel this good, honey."

UPDATE: Just met the other roomie. She has one of those voices I want. You know...the smart kind.