in regards to my present.

you know. i don't tell everyone these things. 

i couldn't possibly let my ego down for that long.

i like to think (pretend) that i had control.

but when i step outside the glass bowl

& look back at it.

i 

want

 to

 smash 

it. 

into a million little pieces 

so maybe i'll forget 

that i could ever let myself 

go (by holding myself in)

and maybe i could just 

take a deep breath

& release that terrible feeling

into the floor. 

i don't tell everyone these things. 

don't mistake that for repression

(that's the only thing i'm holding back now)

i just choose where it's released. 

and things like this,

well, i don't tell everyone these things. 

"no thanks. i have a boyfriend."

i just got home from a party and didn't even get drunk. amazing. 

i networked with so many people from my school. 

only one creeper hit on me, so i went on and on AND ON about my boyfriend until he went away.

great job me. 

today was a good day. acting technique was eh today ..morgan was angry. it was hilarious. because when she's angry- she is vicious. 

shakespeare went well, david vando talks loudly for no reason. it's really fun times. i was type cast as Lady Macbeth...he told me not to take it personally.

acting for film- we got to read with steve today. i did well. 

if you're an actor, you know that feeling....that feeling where you let yourself go completely and get lost in the character & when you've finished your breath is a bit heavier and you aren't quite sure what you just did. my ability (to let myself go completely) is getting so much stronger and i can feel it. i can surrender to the character. 

today in acting for film, it felt so natural. I wasn't thinking- i let go. i listen to what bob tells me. I take direction well. and i've gained an awareness of the camera and my body and those subtle movements that people can read so much from. 

i had a consultation with my voice and movement teacher the other day and we mostly practice the monologue with voice exercises aka it sounds mechanical and strange. I had some worries that I wouldn't be able to act while keeping the support in my voice (it's much harder to let go when you're thinking so damn much) but she told me to just give it a try.

so i started...

"I don't know. I don't know what the problem is. I've been trying to write about the city, you know, my experiences here. Then I decided to write a love story, but that's not working out either. My hero sounds more like a clothing store dummy than a real live human being, and, from what I hear, editors aren't fond of black-mustachioed figures nowadays. I've been fighting with him for a week now, the stubborn mule. He won't make love to my heroine. He refuses. I've tried to put red blood in his veins, but the two of them just won't get together- they're as far apart as the day I sat down to write. I'm at my wit's end. I've bitten off nearly half of my fingernails-look-see? There's nothing wrong with my heroine- I'm sre of that. She's a fascinating, mysterious, graceful creature, full of wit and passion and adventure, but not once has he clasped her to him fiercely or pressed his lips to her hair, her eyes, her cheeks. He hasn't even had the guts to "devour her with his gaze" as us writers like to say. This morning I thought he might be showing some signs of life. He was developing possibilites. But nothing came of it. He wimped out. That's why I decided to wash my hair and come out here- to get away from him for a little while. Back home? I taught school-and hated it. But I kept on teaching until I 'd saved five hundred dollars. All the other girls teach until they've saved five hundred dollars- then they pack two suit cases and go to Europe for the summer. But I saved my five hundred for New York. I've been here six months now, and the five hundred has shrunk to almost nothing, and if I don't break into the magazines pretty soon... Then, I'll have to go back and teach thirty-seven young devils that six times five is thirty, put down the naught and carry six, that a rhetorical question requires no answer, and that the French are a gay people fond of light wines and dancing. But I'll scrimp on everything from hair pins to shoes, and back again until I've saved up another five hundred, and then I'll try it all over again because-I-can-write. I'm going to make it! I'm going to make this town count me as the four million and oneth! Sometimes I get so tired of being nobody at all, with not even enough cleverness to wrest a living from this big city, that I want to stand out at the end of the curb and just scream! Take off my hat, and wave, and shout, "HEY YOU FOUR MILLION SELF-ABSORBED, UNCARING PEOPLE, I'm Mary Louise Moss, from Escanaba, Michigan, and I like your town, and i want to stay here! Won't you please pay some attention to me! Just a little bit!" No one even knows I'm here except...well...myself and the rent collector."

By the time I was finished...there were tears in my eyes.

and they weren't mine, they were Mary's. 

what love means.

i should write a post about how greg and adrian broke a huge window during meisner today and the fire dept had to come. but instead...this.

love is any number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection & attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states and attitudes ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. 

lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone & estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks. Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms. Recent studies in neuroscience have indicted that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, nor-epinephrine and serotonin which  act in a manner similar to amphetamines stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite & sleep and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one & a half to three years.

since lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin to a greater degree than short-term relationships have.

thank you science.

saving account time.

i just did my laundry. realized something: i wear a  lot of black.  it's funny. all my clothes are black or some other dark looking color. 

but my underwear... completely different story. 

it's like a goddamn victoria's secret rainbow. 

i need more coral in my life. but i can't spend money on clothes now. 

just food. travel. and well, laundry. 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

first an introduction (of course) or

maybe an attention getter

but there was none to be gotten for it 

was written

in my eyes 

that they were lost 

within yours. 

then

"1

 2

 3"

i feel. 

and the tears fall 

without drowning 

the contact (between us)

"hey guy, GO KILL YOURSELF!!!"

, a drunken adam screamed out the window of my white 95 honda civic while an equally intoxicated alex spoke very loudly on the phone. 

i was DD friday night. i thought it was going to blow, i thought wrong. 

i should go to sleep...ill edit this later.

i wanna ask you...

..... do you ever sit and wonder?

its so strange that we could be together for 

so long and never know, never care 

what goes on in the other one's head

things i felt but never said

you said things i never said so

i'll say something that i should have said long ago

you don't know me. you don't know me at all.

you could have just propped me up on the table 

like a mannequin 

or a cardboard stand up & paint me

any face that you wanted to be seen with.

damned by the existential moment

where we saw the couple in the coma 

& it was we who were the cliche 

but we carried on anyway

so sure i can just close my eyes

yeah sure, trace & memorize 

but can you go back once you know

you don't know me. you don't know me at all.

if im the person that you think i am 

clueless chump you seem to think i am

so easily led astray 

an errant dog who occasionally escapes & needs a shorter leash.

why the fuck would you want me back?

maybe it's because 

you don't know me at all.

if you ever think you can adore someone, go for it...

Today was a good day. Work was fun-filled with organizing & what not. I didn't get to see God of Carnage because the matinee was cancelled. Grr and class made me angry. We had a Meisner sub & I've decided I do not want to be friends with him. THEN I had a sad time while eating dinner because of things I can't control. But then, I tried to take my mind off it and took Gabe out with Morgan & Stefanie. We went to Union Bar...had some drinks...ended up at The Ritz (Super Gay Bar!) on 46th and danced until 3am. Gay bars are awesome because nobody hits on you!! Yay for gay men! Then we subwayed our way home for an hour & I got in bed at 4:30ish. Made the conscious decision to sleep in my clothes & wear them to work the next day. I was on time. Figures. The day I actually go out I'm on time right? Hah. 

Anyway, saw Impressionism today. GREATNESS. It was a little slow in the beginning, but it really picked up. It was very funny but also had a lot of symbolism within the piece. I won't ruin it for anyone but it's definitely worth seeing. 

Joan Allen is definitely a physical actor. Her body was moving everywhere. Hands flying in the air, her face was constantly drenched in emotion, projected her voice, exaggerated movement. It took me a bit to give into her character. 

Jeremy Irons on the other hand. His face was calm except when he felt a need to smirk, laugh or convey expression. His movements were simple. His voice was casual (he said "PRO-cess" HAH BECAUSE HE'S ENGLISH). Sometimes he said his lines together really quickly like he was actually speaking the words for the first time. I believed him right away. 

They had an interesting dynamic between their different techniques. It really added to the relationship between characters.

Since my boss, Matt, is producing the show we had the chance for complimentary tickets. He was in the playbill. Cool.

Working at Matt Murphy Productions, we have the amazing privilege of free water. Now, I love water. Drink it all the time. perhaps a little too much. We ran out of it quickly & when I asked Matt where my tickets were for tonight...

"Interns who drink too much water sit in mezzanine."

That didn't bother me. When we got there, Gabe & I were holding Orchestra Comp tickets and were led past red velvet curtains, three rows away from the stage. 

The tickets go for $116 dollars a pop. I get them for free. What an amazing opportunity especially being an actor. I thought about myself a year ago & I could never imagine doing the things I'm doing right now. It just keeps getting better regardless if I can't see that all the time. 

I think I just need to open my eyes a little more often. 

say it loud, and there's music playing...

"omg! you're going to hate it so much!"

is what Nick said to me when I told everyone at work that I was going to see West Side Story tonight. He also told me that they had translated "I Feel Pretty" y "A Boy Like That" into Spanish. They also set it in the current time which takes away a lot of the tension around a multicultural relationship. "It's like they had a meeting and said 'ok, you do costumes, you do set, you do music...' and then never met again."

what follows are my thoughts on it...

LOVE LOVE LOVED the dancing! some of the moves weren't as um, "tough" as i would have liked them for the opening scene but i let that slide when i saw how amazing the dance scene between the puerto ricans & italians was in "Mambo". 

then when tony & maria first meet and dance together. the first thing i thought was "don't do it girl, i know how it ends." all i kept thinking about was how sad she's going to be when he dies. 

but she does it anyway of course because she doesn't know how much of a bad idea it really is. 

and then he goes to her room late at night...and tells her he loves her. "aren't you going to say it back? you've gotta say it back..." 

he starts to walk away. she calls him back three times...everytime i tense up waiting for her to say it. 

she doesn't say it until she asks what tony stands for.

"anton."

"te adoro, anton."

tingly, gay feeling. 

that's when i decided this was pretty okay. then they had this little ginger boy come out during "somewhere" and sing. i don't know if he was suppose to be their love child or what but it was awk. 

even though i knew it was coming. i gasped when chino shot tony. they way they set it up was so quick.

tony thinks maria's dead. he goes looking for chino saying, "why don't you finish me off too?" 

he sees maria...runs to her....BANG!...chino comes outta nowhere and shoots him. 

tears running down my cheeks. then i was embarrassed so i wiped them away. 

gabe really liked it, he's staying with me for spring break. we both found it especially funny that they added "he's an asshole" to "A Boy Like That." 

God of Carnage tomorrow courtesy of NYFA. Free tickets are amazing. Then Impressionism on Thursday (thanks to my job!). 

2nd time's a charm.

no class friday. fabulous weekend. i hope it stays warm. 

brian invited me to his wedding. = ) 

it's funny. 

when you're young, you go to kid's birthday shindigs.

chuck e. cheese, burger king, bowling parties. 

then your sophomore/junior year of high school consists of sweet 16s or bar mitzvahs.

when you graduate, all your summer weekends are booked with graduation parties. 

& if you haven't sipped your way into alcoholism by now, 

well then bar tours and 21st's will be sure to help you along.

I, my friends, have graduated to weddings. 

I hope I don't make it to funerals. 

a flap folded back in a book...

"Wait. Let me finish. You could ask, why not kill myself then. Because I love you. Because you exist. That alone is so much that it won't allow me to die. And since I must be alive in order to know that you are, I will live in the world as it is, in the manner of life it demands. Not halfway, but completely. Not pleading and running from it, but walking out to meet it, beating it to the pain & ugliness, being first to choose the worst it can do to me. And only within my own mind, only where nothing can touch it, kept sacred by the protecting wall of my own degradation, there will be the thought of you, and i shall say 'Howard Roark' to myself once in a while, and I shall feel I have deserved to sat it."

She stood before him, her face raised; her lips were not drawn, but closed softly, yet the shape of her mouth was too definite on her face, a shape of pain and tenderness, and resignation. 

"Dominique, if I told you now...to forget the world and my struggle...to feel no answer, no concern, no hope- just to exist for me, for my own need of you-as my wife-as my property...?"

He saw in her face what she had seen in his when she told him of her marriage; but he was not frightened and he watched her calmly. After a while, she answered and the words did not come from her lips, but as if her lips were forced to gather the sounds from the outside. 

"I'd obey you."

"Now you see why I won't do it. I won't try to stop you. I love you, Dominique."

She closed her eyes, and he said:

"You'd rather not hear it now? But I want you to hear it. We never need to say anything to each other when we're together. This is- for the time when we won't be together. I love you, Dominique. As selfishly as the fact that I exist. As selfishly as my lungs breathe air. I breathe for my own necessity, for the fuel of my body, for my survival. I've given you, not my sacrifice or my pity, but my ego and my naked need. This is the only way you can wish to be loved. This is the only way I can want you to love me. If you married me now, I would become your whole existence. But i would not want you then. You would not want yourself- and so you would not love me long. To say 'I love you' one must know first how to say the 'I.' The kind of surrender I could have from you now would give me nothing but an empty hulk. If I demanded it, I'd destroy you. That's why I won't stop you. I'll let you go. I don't know how I'll live through tonight, but I will. I want you whole, as I am, as you'll remain in the battle you've chosen. A battle is never self-less."

She heard, in the measured tension of his words, that it was harder for him to speak them than for her to listen. So she listened.

"You must learn not to be afraid of the world. Not to be held by it as you are now. Never to be hurt by it as you were in that courtroom. I must let you learn it. I can't help you. You must find your own way. When you have, you'll come back to me. They won't destroy me, Dominique. And they won't destroy you. You'll win, because you've chosen the hardest way of fighting for your freedom from the world. I'll wait for you. I love you. I'm saying this now for all the years we'll have to wait. I love you, Dominique."

Then he kissed her and let her go.

dream...

i was someplace busy outside. new york city sidewalk. people were talking about the difference between men and women. i don't remember much of that.

i remember a man coming up to me. wearing a black trench coat and a black hat. he had a red tie, blue eyes and dark brown hair. he was probably in his 50s or 60s. he explained the difference to me. then made me repeat.

him: what do you want right now? how do you feel?

me: hungry.

him: and what comes later?

me: time, money and fame.

him: what do you want now?

me: im hungry.

him: what comes later?

me: time, money...

both:...and fame. 

...

i love being happy and prepared. 

i do not love falling asleep by myself. 

: /

the last page of vanity fair.

my favorite virtue: my passion and curiosity. 

qualites i desire in a man: honesty (to others and himself), humor, laid-back/outgoing attitude & a bit of strangeness or abnormality that you can't quite put your finger on. someone who loves me for who i am...meaning when im a terrible mess or a glorious success. i didn't mean to make that rhyme. weird. he also needs to be sexy. of course. he respects me, even when we're fighting to the death. 

my favorite qualites in a woman: intution & openess.

what i appreciate the most in my friends: their freeness & creativity. and awkward senses of humor. 

my main fault: i was going to say arrogance but then i thought about it & i'm perfect. i don't know, my "constant sense of urgency." I think that just a side effect of my drive.

my favorite occupation: being. 

my idea of happiness: being able to get lost in someone else. never holding back. complete freedom. you know that scene in benjamin button (oh wait, you mean you fell asleep?) when ben and daisy are finally together at the right time & place. they buy that house and all they have is a mattress & a tv. i feel like they're by the beach, they might not be....but if it was me...we would be. the have that montage of them laughing and doing different things together. that seemed like happiness. i felt happy watching it. 

my idea of misery: losing my fire. releasing that chronic feeling of not wanting/needing to do anything. being completely satisfied. being trapped in a situation. being controlled by someone else. 

if not myself, who would i be?: mozart, cleopatra, katherine dunham, billie holiday, you.

where i would like to live: everywhere. i get bored.

my favorite color: i used to say blue because i think that's what everyone else said. but now i say that i have two. pink & black. 

my favorite author: i don't have a favorite author, only favorite books & plays. when i was younger i used to read a lot of edgar allen poe...maybe him.

my favorite poet: e.e. cummings, t.s. eliot, edgar allen poe & myself.

my favorite heroes in fiction: howard roark & aladin.

my favorite heroines in fiction: dominque francon & beatrice.

my favorite painters/composers: vincent van gogh. edvard munch. whoever painted that picture with the big yellow cat with the human nose.

hero in real life: my parentals. 

hero in world history: cleopatra

favorite names: rebecca, rose, victoria, jerzy. 

what i hate the most: intolerant people & being told what to do. i also hate when people are walking too close to me, strangers. especially men. creepy old men. or when im walking and i can see someone's shadow in front of mine. that really bugs me. and when people walk with their feet pointed outward. what the fuck is wrong with you. also people who take themselves too seriously make me want to punch them in the face. maybe that's my biggest fault? judging people. or maybe people just should stop doing things that piss me off. 

world history characters that i despise the most: i know there's someone, let me think about it.

military event i admire most: event? 

natural talent i would like to be gifted with: natural talent. i want to be able to belt out a song and really feel it. dance using every muscle in my body. draw whatever my heart desired.

how i wish to die: satisfied. 

what is your present state of mind: in love.

favorite motto: live to the point of tears. 

the difference between following and living.

a boy picked up a pen and wrote beautiful words

 for the whole world to judge. 

he erased and re wrote. 

he thought about it, really hard. 

when he was done, 

he didn't even feel a thing. 

or maybe he pretended to. 

she felt her words spill on the page leaving a mess behind of a picture only she could paint. sure, it was up for interpretation but she took that masterpiece and hung it in her room. anyone was welcome there. 

he drove to work.

she walked to school.

a boy woke up the same time everyday, 

showered and combed his hair 

with a black comb. he brushed 

his teeth then placed his toothbrush

in it's spot on the counter next to his hair gel.

she slept through her alarm, felt the sensation of the water against her body and the heavy wetness of her hair on her back. the mint bubble on her gums and let her toothbrush fall in the shower.

he swore by quotes and words

 "to live by" and pondered 

them throughout the day.

she wrote them and kept breathing.