words.

despite my apathy towards notes- i always listen to the words. try not to speak words that you don't believe. i've heard people say "fake it" until it means something to you, but i never took such advice. it might work for others- but not for me and i don't take kindly when that "technique" is used with me. how can i ever believe another word you say. i've learned through all the habitual usage & misplacement of this verb, that perhaps i don't believe in it either. thus i do not care to attempt to find it, or continue to wear it's mask in the presence of other's true faces. i would rather be alone to find it in myself because it's much too heavy on my expectations & they have been crushed. i apologize for anything i've written that has not be true for you, of course you've been kind enough to correct my blind errors. i had been edging closer to reality and glancing at it from the corner of my eye, it's time to turn my head and introduce myself. you do not have to understand, you do not have to do anything because everything i wished you had is lying in that rubble. the fault is only mine for speaking words that i don't believe in.

cancel out.

a rapist, coke head & spoiled brat walk onto a stage- each donate someone else's money to finding a cure for cancer- everyone applauds. 

this inspires the bully to donate too- but he doesn't donate himself.

they all meet up at the bar & brag. 

hope.

engulfed in fire, a bird flew beyond her thoughts
and for a second, felt that it was okay to be free. 

she stumbled along her memories 
until she found her way into her dreams 
and reached a river filled with
places she hadn't quite yet been

she impulsively stepped in and began her shallow wade-
each vision vanishing as her hand 
shattered the water.

instead of giving up
she gave her body to the water, 
her hands&feet sunk in 
but her heart remained afloat

closing her eyes,
she felt a soft feather fall 
right upon her cheek

she picked it up & blew it off her hand
as she glided over the crisp images.

waves of pain.

     
   

the day i met daniel was sometime in february or march of last year. i was taking classes at NYFA & i had been partnered up with greg to do a scene. in this particular scene, i was supposed to be a drunken woman hitting on the young greg. in order to make this believable- i need wine glasses of course! our teacher told me to go ask "danny" for some prop glasses. 

"who is danny?"

i walked to the equipment room yelling "danny!" 

a tall, skinny messy haired boy responded mid run. "are you danny?!" 

someone else was yelling something to him & he put his stupid finger up to me to hold on.

"are you danny?!"

"yeah...just..."

i immediately hated him. who the hell was this kid? he was clearly a boy & i needed something, class had already started. so when danny had time, we went downstairs to the prop room which smelled funny and was way unorganized- i mentioned this and danny was insulted because apparently he had just organized everything. i got my glasses and went off to class.

that was the day i met daniel. the days that followed- my hatred turned into curiosity when i noticed that his face was kind of looking handsome to me. he mentioned he liked motorcycles in a conversation to greg. "hah, you like motorcycles?" he nodded his head. i smiled. then i saw "fire" and "water" tattooed on his forearms. that's when i put on full weirdo mode and started talking to danny. i'm a firm believer that your body tells you what you need when you need it.  i was completely, surprisingly, unwillingly attracted to him. 

i watched daniel get a tattoo today. paul, our tattoo artist, was kind enough to let me take pictures. i watched him go through the waves of pain when paul inserted the color ink under his skin. he bit his lips & made silly faces & counted under his breath. i don't think i've seen him in pain before. and i was completely, surprisingly and willingly attracted to him.

 

 

 

                                            

i used to write all the time.

i just went through my posts from the last year. i haven't written a regular old post in awhile. ever since i started dating daniel. probably because i started falling for daniel before i was even allowed to, so blogging about it wouldn't be appropriate. 

i haven't been feeling awesome for the past..well, awhile and maybe it's because i haven't been writing. i mean i've been writing poetry- but i guess i need some nonsensical scribbles to keep me going.  

lets start with today- i did nothing. basically. i still work at ehs in manhattan & i have a job at victoria's secret. today was as joanna gleason would put it "just a day." 

i went to this workshop with her once and a student asked "how do you take the days where you feel like giving up?" 

she asked him a series of questions: "did you eat breakfast?" yes. "did you eat lunch?" yes. "did you eat dinner?" yes, eventually. "did someone say your name?" well, i assume when they called me into the audition, yes. "did someone touch you? or hug you?" i saw my friend at the audition and gave her a hug.

"well, my friend, then you had quite a day."

i think the security guard said my name, he accidentally called me emily at first.

and cheryl, the other security guard said my name outside, "melissa's the only one in love."

danny kissed me goodbye this morning. 

sigh. i want more day.

writers block.

the words flew around the page- grown only from fantasies past-
but could not be pinned to the love poem.

expectations of the same from some other
never came

because the words were really never there
& if one tries to grasp the empty air 

the only sensation granted is their opposite palm.

past thoughts & current revelations.

don't lie & say this isn't true-
you were always one to ride on the coat tails of honesty.
you always trampled over everything i wanted to become;
i know you knew it.

so one day, i stole your fucking shoes.

& by the way- honesty doesn't wear a coat that was hypocrisy.

delirious.

uoy ekam em leef ytterp nehw ouy dloh ym dnah dna emityreve er'uoy raen i peels a elttil reisae.

i teb uoy dlouc daer siht rekciuq naht enoyna esle. 

eht thgouht fo uoy selttes ym hcamots. 

isn't that strange? 

you used to make it bubble- but that was only because i wasn't sure what i was holding on to.

i guess i'm still not sure but i'm willing to let go with you. 

because even if you don't catch me- you'd still offer to help me up or clean the dirt off. and when i don't take your offers, you let me stand up by myself (i guess you always know i'm going to do it anyways) 

but im not quite sure you know how nice it is to see your bare hand outstretched towards me- no gloves or rings. 

and if i ever go to spit at it-i want you to know that i will secretly hope i miss. 

hilar-ious.

youth.

child left & child right shared a pair of shoes.
they couldn't afford to get their own 
because they were children after all. 

child left walked outside after a summer rainstorm to find his pile of dirt had become a puddle of mud. instead of stomping on it & getting his shoes all dirty, he picked up a handful & rubbed it on his skin. he liked the way the mud cooled his skin & pretty soon he sat to watch it dry & crack.

child right had been waiting to go out to play all day 
but couldn't because the bricks surrounding the house
were burning in the sun. 
child right had pretty thick skin but
not thick enough to withstand such pain.

child left fell asleep.
child right waited.

child right grew tired of waiting 
& stepped on the road

child left woke up to her screaming.