sucking it up.

i have never before attended a play that i was called back for & didn't get. it happened to me a lot during Penn State when I tried out for main-stage productions. There wasn't one time I didn't get a callback (well, except 'Parade' which I went to see and LOVED) but I never got the part either. That's the way the cookie crumbles, but going to see one of the productions would be like (to put it in high school girl terms) watching the boy you like make out with another girl. and i've thought that this might be silly, missing brilliant performances by my friends because of my desire to not fall into that terrible feeling, a feeling that my life path is not in step with the current placement of my feet- i think because sometimes it doesn't take much for that feeling to manifest in myself. if it's at the right time, i'm sure i could suck it up and handle it- let go of myself for awhile. but if it isn't- it could slow me down quite a bit. so i suppose that's why i've never taken the risk.

danny invited me to audition for the play he's putting up & i was reluctant because of this very feeling that i loathe. but i auditioned, was called back & didn't get it. i mean i'm sure the other girl did a better job, she had a very articulate voice, training, and was currently in a play with the other gentleman chosen. i assume that they have a good chemistry & the director was currently directing them, so she knew what they were capable of. these are things i tell myself to make sense of it because i'm going to have to see it- because daniel is in it. i pondered whether or not to go or to bring it up to daniel, but in the end- it's not his problem, it's mine. do i care about him? very much. do you support the ones you love? absolutely.

then i played a scene in my head that helped me make peace with what i had to do. if i was in daniel's large black striped adidas tennis shoes and he was in my flip flops- would he come to see me? no doubt about it.