i went in the old freight elevator again. it doesn't have a number 13. i only noticed because it's my birthday number. i had went to look for it and low and behold 11, 12....14? people thought it was unlucky and decided to omit it rather than run the risk of not being able to rent out that floor. i googled it and apparently they sometimes used the letter "m" instead of 13 because "m" is the 13th letter in the alphabet. my name is melissa and i was born on the 13th. but there's no such thing as luck, remember?
well, maybe there is. in the case of the number 13.
this past friday was the 13th, which i completely failed to realize until now. my mom had been having some minor issues which a simple surgery could fix. she was all set to get it done on the 13th. i spoke to her that day and said i would call her on valentines day when she got home. i went to spend the weekend at adams. i didn't want to see my mom in the hospital because, well, i don't like seeing her weak and it was a routine procedure anyway.
adam gave me two roses. i felt like a real girl. two is my favorite number you know. wow, i just realized that. i wonder if he did that on purpose. he also gave me the chance to lose the lottery for the first time, which i did...twice. it was awesome nonetheless.
so the 14th rolls around and my mom calls me. that was weird, because she knew i was going to call her in the afternoon. she sounded terrible. i wasn't sure why she was calling me and not my dad or if you're even allowed to use a cell phone while lying in a hospital bed. i almost started crying. her voice was crackly and i couldn't completely understand her. i thought i heard her say that she was going home monday. "monday? why monday?" they needed to do a few more things because during the operation, they found cancer. i felt my throat tighten and my hands started to tremble as i struggled to understand what she was saying. they had found cancer in her uterus and the treatment for it included the procedure she just underwent. then she talked about how when she got better we could go see shows in the city and all these different things. i didn't want her to hear me crying (she probably knew anyway because mom's always know). after we hung up. i sat there, i may have still been trembling. i was staring straight at the wall in front of me next to adam's closet door. i felt tears run down my cheek.
sure i'm an actress but there's something very intimate about crying in front of a person for the first time. at least for me. this was a different cry though, this was a "what if my mother isn't there for my wedding or my first child" cry. the "what if" cry is what a cry is always seen as: something sad.
and it was sad. i don't think he liked it very much. i'm not so sure i would have been able to make myself feel better if i was in brooklyn when i got the news. i'm not so sure i would have been able to hold myself together for patrick and my dad if i was at the hospital with them when the doctor came out. but i wasn't in brooklyn and i wasn't at the hospital. i was there. i wasn't expected to be strong for anyone and i wasn't allowed to stay in bed and sleep all day. and the day went on.
i called my dad today (i was a bit worried because he hates hospitals) but my mom answered. "where's poppa?"
"oh he's outside having a smoke."
she sounded a lot better when she told me that they had taken everything out and the doctor was going to run some tests. we'll find out next week what stage it's in.
the doctor seemed pretty positive, apparently he saw the cancer while they were doing the procedure and called in the oncologist. i wonder if he told her she was lucky.
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